DEMON DRINK AND THE DRAGONS FAN
Reading through the national newspapers the other morning I came across one of those articles warning about what happens to your brain and body and their functions when you drink alcohol. It finished up with those usual questionnaires at the bottom which, after you fill it in, informs you that you are a combination of George Best and Jimmy Greaves…and not in the footballing sense. Now then, if the expert writing this little piece followed the fortunes of Wivenhoe Town Football Club I am quite sure he would not see the consumption of alcohol in quite the same negative light. Indeed, he would very soon discover that like several members of the “SOBS”, drinking is not so much a social problem rather more like a necessity and, to us at least, it does have its good points as this article intends to point out. So, lets begin with the first “drawback” associated with the consumption of the demon drink.
“ALCOHOL DEPRESSES THE ACTION OF THE BRAIN LEADING TO THE LOSS OF NORMAL MENTAL AND PHYSICAL CONTROL”…..
All of which is pretty important if you are going to whoop and hoot at the top of your voice, bellow insanities, sing very silly songs in public, do the most ridiculous dances about the terraces when Wivenhoe score, and generally act in a way that makes everyone else around you implode with sheer embarrassment.
“DRINKING ALSO AFFECTS THE NERVE CELLS – NEURONS – IN OUR BRAINS. THE SKIN SURROUNDING THE NEURONS BECOMES MORE POROUS SO THE TRANSMISSION OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS IN AND OUT OF THE BRAIN BECOME DISRUPTED”……..
When you are standing on a stretch of windy terrace in deepest Hertfordshire at twenty nine minutes to ten on a Tuesday night and your team is trailing 1-9 to St.Albans City, disrupted thoughts and feelings have a rather welcoming appeal.
“A LARGE VOLUME OF ALCOHOL WILL DULL THE SENSES AND NUMB THE BRAIN’S RESPONSE TO PAIN”……..
I beg to disagree on this point as, even after eleven pints, Mangotsfield United’s equalizer with virtually the last touch of the match in the 5th minute of time added on at the end of extra time by the Referee during our F.A.Vase 5th Round tie still hurt like hell (and still does to this day!).
“CONSUMING TOO MUCH ALCOHOL CAN IMPAIR THE MEMORY OR EVEN RESULT IN BLACKOUTS”……..
What relegation to the Eastern Counties League?
“SMALL BLOOD VESSELS ARE WIDENED INCREASING BLOOD FLOW TO THE BODY, THUS THE SKIN AND FACE BECOME FLUSHED AND THE BODY FEELS HOT”……..
Considering the problems we’ve had with the heating system in the Broad Lane clubhouse over the years, it is not such a bad thing to be able to generate your own body heat, although judging from the amount of alcohol consumed by some of the “SOBS” it is surprising that one or two of them haven’t spontaneously combusted by now !!.
“BLOOD FLOW IS INCREASED THROUGH THE KIDNEYS WHICH INCREASES URINE PRODUCTION”……..
As all football supporters know there is nothing more certain in life than the fact that your team will score the moment you nip off for a “wetty”. Therefore, by drinking before the match, the more members of your group who are forced to disappear and get “Big Ed” out (or the “Little Fireman” whichever the case maybe !) the better chance the rest of you have of seeing a Wivenhoe Town goal. Many Dragons fans will probably argue at this point that at some periods of time during our history you could have gone away and pissed for a month and not missed a Wivenhoe goal….or even a SHOT for that matter when things were particularly dire !!.
“INCREASED URINE PRODUCTION CAN LEAD TO A DRY TONGUE AND LIPS, AND A SEVERE THIRST”……..
No problem here as this sets you up nicely for the post match/saturday night session.
“CONSUMING VAST AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL CAN PRODUCE WEIGHT PROBLEMS”……..
Some of us, especially the Fat Bastards, are of the considered opinion that fat is vastly underrated as we are able to endure ninety minutes of sub-zero temperatures thanks to an assortment of beer guts, double chins etc, while those of the “body beautiful” persuasion shrivel up and die or go and sit by the radiators in the clubhouse and miss the match deciding late goals.
“IT ONLY TAKES A SLIGHT INTAKE OF ALCOHOL TO IMPAIR YOUR JUDGEMENT”……..
So that’s why we turn up week after week, season after season.
“INCOHERENT SLURRED SPEECH CAN BE A PROBLEM”……..
Problem? I think not. Indeed, I will have you know that this can be a positive blessing at times especially after the match when, with your neurons in a porous state, it probably seems like a good idea at the time to inform Julian Hazel that your granny could have scored the chance he missed in the last minute. However, the fact that this bold statement comes out sounding; “Gummy cloo av slored yolm bleah minnyit” saves you from a severe beating.
“DRINKING WITHOUT MODERATION CAN CAUSE DRAMATIC MOOD SWINGS AND INDUCE BOUTS OF DEPRESSION”……..
So can losing to Clacton or Stanway Rovers.
“ALCOHOL SHOULD BE TAKEN IN SENSIBLE QUOTAS”……..
Following some of the “SOBS” infamous “Drink-Yourself-To-Deathathons” in the now defunct back bar after matches I think that the likes of Rustic, Matt, Richie, JB, Daddsy and Steve Blyth actually agree with this one.
“FINALLY, REFLEX ACTIONS SUCH AS MOVING A LIMB OR CONTRACTING A MUSCLE BECOME UNCO-ORDINATED BECAUSE OF CONFUSION IN THE BRAIN CAUSED BY THE EFFECT OF ALCOHOL ON THE NEURONS”…….
Just ask Rustic who was once seen staggering off down the road following one particular post match Saturday session still trying to put his right arm in the sleeve of his coat. Legend has it that he finally managed to succeed in putting his garment on just in time to go to work on Monday morning !!.